Maybe I will go out and get a manicure, or put some fresh new white sheets on my bed, or buy some daffodils and put them in a beautiful vase to brighten up my mood.
Maybe today will be happy and warm and bright. I can pull on my favorite summer dress and find the greenest, softest grass I can and spend the afternoon asleep in it, lost to the world.
Or maybe it will rain today. And I’ll run outside and dance in it while wearing that same summer dress, and I’ll get soaked to the bone, but I won’t care. When I run inside my dad will role his eyes at the childish person I’m acting like, and my mother will tell me to get off the good carpet. But deep down, I’ll know that they’re just relieved to see me so happy. They’re so relieved. I deserve to be happy because I am a very, very good person.
I am a very, very good person because I pretend to like the people I hate, also like I pretend not to care about the person I love.
And, I am a very, very good person because I love the color white and yellow, I really love daffodils, even if they die so quickly; like they’re trying to tell me something. But people don’t love daffodils, do they?
And so today, I will be happy. Because very, very good daffodil-loving people deserve to be happy.
Mostly I will be happy because all day today, you will not cross my mind. Today I will not think of you or dream of you or write or even care about you at all today. Today, I will wear my nice dress and I will sleep on the grass or dance in the rain. I will be living cliche; the perfect, textbook, dictionary definition of happiness. I won’t bite my beautiful new nails or cry into my lovely white sheets because you’re on my mind again and you just don’t ever leave.
Today, I will be happy because I will have peace and I will have closure and I will be content with what I have. I will not, however, wonder where you are or how you’re doing or who you’re with because that is not my concern or problem, you know? You and your troubles do not belong to me, I made sure of that, and it’s rude you won’t leave my mind. It is very, very rude. You are not a nice person at all. I bet you hate daffodils.
I just want one happy day, and God, it shouldn’t be so difficult, so absolutely impossible for me to have that, damn it. Look, you made me curse. Also rude. You are so rude. Look, I’ve written about you and thought about you and it’s 12:36 in the morning and you’re the reason I can’t sleep. So, today’s ruined and you just, just, no. And now I’m speechless because I am bad. I am bad for missing you and I am bad at forgetting you. I wasn’t lying when I said I love daffodils, even if they always die, I promise. But, I might have been lying when I said I didn’t love you.
“We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness."
— Hunter S. Thompson”—
My only love is for you, vodka. Before it became a crush,we were family friends.You slipped in and out of my parent’s parties.I saw you only in passing.We were never introduced… …formally, that is.The first time I saw you out of my housewas that night.The night we first spoke.You comforted me andcradled me in your arms.I was with all my best friends,but you and I seemed to fit so perfectly.Some say we took those first steps too quickly.It wasn’t love right away, but I wasintrigued by you and yoursense of warmth. After nights similar to the first,I began to think of you a lot.If a weekend would pass without you in it,in me,it was incomplete.I yearned for your touchand the way you made my skin prickle.My lips tingle in the thought of you now. At the beginning, it was simply fun with you.Innocent fun with no repercussions.That is when I learned to love you.I loved how you didn’t have a plan or sense of direction.You were spontaneous.I was insecure and fragile, looking for someone,something,just like you.At first, you brought out the best in me,showed me that when we were together,I meant something,and I will always thank you for that. There were times when I questioned your worth.Some nights you would engulf me,take everything of me,chew me upand spit me back out.You never threatened me, or hurt me.I just loved you so much that I would do anything you said.Maybe I was angry with you in the morning,but I always forgave you the next time we were together.Run up to you and hug you, and you would kiss me twice on each cheek.Like you always had.As if nothing had happened.Somehow promising that tonight would be better. From that first night to now,our love affair has been consistent.I always want youand your smooth touch.And even after every time you put me down.You’re always the one to pull me back up.I’ve shared so many memories with you,dark and messy nights,poetic and spiritual ones too.Every time I hear your name orknow that you are near,my eyes widen.I bite my lip and smile.I get shaky and anticipate your arrival. Some people love you superficially.They are the ones who don’t easily forgive.But you know that I will always love you.Some will try to tear us apart,saying that you don’t love me back.That you can’t.They’ve tried and lost.Even if I don’t directly receive love in return,the way you make me feel, and act, and cry,lets me know that you do love me.You are the only one who can hurt meas much as you have,and know that I will always run back into your arms.
i know love. i’ve seen her- we are friends. i believe in her and even though we fight sometimes, in the end she always pulls through for me when i need her and for that, i’m grateful.
right now, we are not on the best of terms. i feel like i have a bone to pick with love. i am watching one of the most difficult things i have ever had to watch. i am watching the person who taught me about love, the person who introduced us, i’m watching her fall apart.
it sucks. because, having finally learned to believe in something, i have to watch it be tested in this way, and i don’t know whats going to happen, or how, or why its happening. why would love, our sweet, gentle, loyal friend, desert one of her own? how could she? how could she stand by and let this happen to someone with so much faith in her?
it is unfair. it tears me up and it makes me wonder- have we all misplaced our trust, our hope, faith and belief? it makes me wonder why we’re all out to befriend such a fickle, fickle bitch. if she could just chose to take a rain-check on us like this, when times get hard.
i think, we can be very hard on love. we expect so much. we want to salvage our relationship so badly, that we refuse to let her off the hook even when its not entirely her fault. we look at love, and ask her why.
we need to not blame ourselves, we need to not point fingers. we need to understand the nature of love, we need to understand how she works and why. because otherwise, we are bound to be let down. we need to understand that she is around simply, to entertain us. to make her presence felt. perhaps comfort us, and reassure us. in the end, we wallow in the belief that she will not, cannot, hold you together when you need her most. that is because we are blind.
we are a dependent society and i find it sad. i love love. i love the boy i’m talking to, i love my family, and i love my friends. hell, i love my fuzzy gray beanie that will probably never be returned to its rightful owner… i love love. but i have a healthy fear, an acknowledgment to the fact that she is liable to drop out from beneath my feet at any moment. the future is not promised us.
we need to stop running, blindfolded by love. we need to accept that things change, and accept love from wherever we can get it, even if its not where you want it to come from. we need to let our friends love us. let our parents, pets, and hobbies, love us. because when you lose one source of love, you’re going to wish you had another.
love, where are you when we need you? the truth is, she’s right there. we are just to absorbed to see her, because she takes a form that we may not necessarily be in the mood for. but she is there. she is always there. and she may not love you. but you need to love her.