Today, I’ve been reminded why I’m not the typical teenager. While my parents are out of town, do I throw some ragging house party and then try to hide the evidence? No. Instead, I sneak into their linen closet and steal their sheets. My mom shouldn’t notice until it’s laundry day next Sunday, which gives me a good week to enjoy them while I can. #1200threadcount #Egyptiancotton #floatingonacloud
It really annoys me the way you are lately. You’re such a sketch, texting me only when you want to tell me you miss me. I don’t want to make myself say it back because of the rumors I’ve heard lately, but that’s just what they are. Rumors, right? I didn’t want to feel like a burdened on you so I never text you first. Ever. For once I do tonight, and what am I sitting here waiting on? A response. Nothing, it’s been 4 hours. Congratulations. You’ve made me feel like something I didn’t want to.
Same dream, exact same place, everything is slowly becoming a little more detailed. These vivid dreams I keep having about you are slowly leading up the then grand final gesture. Everything’s the same, the one moment to begin the final scene has yet to come. Every morning I lay in bed, forcing myself to go to sleep, patiently waiting. We’re going on the 3rd day and it hasn’t happened. As I force every last drop of sleep I can get out of myself, you keep leaving. I’m forgetting this perfect moment so quickly, that as I type, it’s erasing from my memory. Mortified of what I can do in this dream and not real life is obviously what keeps me coming back. We go from school, my most hated memory. So if I hated it so much, why are we here? You begin hating me, it’s like this place, this so very unimportant place, has a changing on your mind set. The day progresses, we part as it comes to an end. I wake up. Why hasn’t it happened yet? Must get back to sleep. Another scene, a totally different place. How did I get here? Who are all of these people? And, at last, I recognize you. We’re back at my old house, the house of fearlessness. Everyone’s first was here. First kiss, loss of virginity, first true friend, first boyfriend, you name it, it’s all happened here. It’s my mom’s birthday, something no one ever wants to be a part of, so we sneak outside, to the far end of the woods. Suddenly my old friends show up, people I’ve had a past with, but why are they here? We never talk anymore, so why am I even thinking about you. It’s one of those sunny day where you can feel your skin soaking up every last bit of sun before you have to find some sort of water supply. Nothing a little rain can’t provide. We’re all sitting around the table and the downpour begins. We take off running, which is where Day 1 left off. Finally we’re past the point of ending and you grab an entirely different person, no one even relatively close to me, and you’re leading a new path for you two. This forces me into an emotional frenzy, I begin taking my own path. When suddenly I feel something grab my hand and spin me around. Face to face, eye to eye, and this horrible force wakes me up. So why is it that I’ve done it? Random people come along, I can do it with them. Past boyfriends, other guy friends, playing a stupid game of truth or dare, but not you- you’re different. It’s been a year and truth be told, that’s why I keep forcing myself away from you. The simplicity of a dream has happened far too often lately that the true meaning has left me. So why can’t it for you? Lately, I’m glad it hasn’t. Things are changing, I’m growing up, nothing will ever have a feeling of being this young again. As I make one last effort to dream again, I’ll be thinking of you.
Today has been a really great day, and it’s only 11 o’clock. I woke up and my mom surprised me with Jeff Dunham tickets, the funniest ventriloquist ever, and then she got me tickets to watch the very last taping of my absolute FAVORITE show ever, One Tree Hill! It’s the very last season, I’m sad to see it go, but stoked to be there! Did I mention it’s in North Carolina? My favorite place in the entire world. Things have been going really great this year.
The pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that. Knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn’t come apart.
Reading through my journal I’ve found entries that, somewhere along the way, really motivated me. This is from February, the day before I turned 16. Pretty cheesy, but, oh well. <3
No matter who you are, everyone in this world grows up with inspiration, perspective, and a view of who they want to become in life. During the long period of life, that hopefully everyone gets to live, this dream or passion may change one time or it may change hundreds of times before you finally get to the point during that day and say, “This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.” Inspiration comes in so many forms. For me, it’s always been from a celebrity, seeing all the fame and love they receive from people all over the world, that half of the people they most likely don’t know. Not exactly what they have, that’s the least I’m worried about, more of what they receive so much of, love. I remember being 8 years old and realizing what I wanted to do was so far out of reach, the only way my family could help me get to where I wanted to be was the very basic thing that we didn’t have a lot of… money. The first few parts will be very wishy-washy, I’m just typing as it comes to me. Tomorrow will be the third biggest day of my life, getting my license, considering I pass the first time. Lately, I’ve been concentrating on a boy, I won’t put the name in since this is going public, but, I’m sure everyone already has a pretty clear guess. I’m coming to realize that really boys are the last thing I need, at least the boys in Tuscaloosa. I’m moving on to bigger dreams this year that I’ll push until I succeed, it may take years or it may take only a day to meet that one special person and them change my life forever. Forever is a big word in my case, considering I’m only 15. Acting, modeling, and singing is what I will push through for until I get to where I want to be. I’ve met many people along the way, and for once I think I may have the absolute best people possible in my life right now. God hasn’t played a big role in my life over the past years, but this year is the one year I will put everything I have in him. As I grow up I see that many things in life are possible, but along the way you will crush many people. With God, you can change your ways for the best, and he will no longer put the bad people in your life that try to pull you down along the way, they will only inspire you and help you get so much further than you ever could alone. Faith Adkins is my best-friend and I have a strong feeling she will be here for the rest of my life. I’ve lost so many people over the years of me trying to find myself, but each one has only led me closer to the one person God TRULY put in my life for an incredible purpose. We went through a stage of drinking, cussing, and putting on a show for everyone to make ourselves seem better than everyone. Through all of the struggles, I feel like we went through all of it for a reason, to bring us together on seeing the things that we have done wrong in life. This past month she rededicated her life and even through it not being me, its led me to realize in life the only person worth impressing is God. That’s something you hear from everyone, but you never understand it until you fully try to grasp the concept yourself. The part I was playing in the life of 2010 was me being in total darkness. I met incredible people along the way but never anyone who could help me understand really who and what I wanted to be in life. Back to the beginning of the person you’ve always looked up to, it’s going to sound really cheesy, but the very first group of girls that led me to realize where I wanted to be in life without really even knowing were the “Cheetah Girls.” Disney, right? Wrong. These girl really had an uplifting story of where they wanted to be and they dropped people in the nicest manner while gaining best-friends along the way, leading them to being some of the most famous girls, alone, in the music industry. Well, that was 8 years ago. There’s been new upcoming stars to look up to, and just like a star they burned out, without the slightest notice of anyone. No matter who it is, everybody needs inspiration, and Faith has helped me to realize who my new person is. Justin Bieber, totally lame. But he came from the poorest, most loveable family you could know. Through all the fame, fortune, and girls, he’s kept the straightest head on knowing that through anything none of this would be possible without God. To this day, everything he does, everywhere he goes, he puts some kind of word to God out, he’s not ashamed to believe that the one person who got him to where he is today, was the one that he needed all along. He doesn’t flaunt what he has and he still keeps the same friends that he started with at the very beginning. I started home-schooling my second semester of eighth grade, 2009. I became so lost that the last people I wanted to turn to was my family, I didn’t want anything to do with them or the people they brought into our home. I tried sitting at home to disappear from all of the drama of a typical lifestyle in school, but everywhere I went it seemed as though it just got worse. Rumors started revolving all around my life, from anyone and everyone. As I’m sitting here, Justin is tweeting all about the wins that he just received at the Brit Awards. One day I’ll be sitting there with my best-friend right beside me. The third person that’s ever inspired me is Miley Cyrus, mostly in ‘The Last Song.’ She has such a similar story to me that it’s easy to relate, although my parents are still together they’ve been on the verge of divorce. Ronnie is the main character is the movie, she came up from a family in the Carolina’s, while her parents divorced her mom moved to New York and she moved right along with her and her little brother. Her dad played the piano and taught her how, later in her years she was accepted into Julliard, only my dream college. She turns the offer down and is forced to move to her dad’s for the summer. The first day, she wouldn’t say a word to her dad, moral of the story she turned to her family, the piano, and a boy to find inspiration and the true meaning of life after her dad died. Piano is something I’ve always wanted to learn, and much like me, she was so lost for those first few months. This year I’m just finding out who I want to be, and Hey! I’m even enrolled in piano, I started January 31st. It’s coming along very well! Faith and I took a walk in the park the other day and for the first time in a long time I’ve never felt so comforted in my life, that’s when I knew Faith was here to stay. Finally, someone that would never desert me. There’s no way to really narrow down “life.” Just know that what was talked about that day will never be forgotten, it truly was a memory I will cherish forever. I’ve been burned so many times in life, and say I want to grow up, but I don’t think anyone ever truly wants to grow up. I still remember my dad coming home everyday when I was a kid, skipping school because I was so scared of well, everything. I say, “I’m so sick of my parents,” everyday of my life, almost. That’s being a teenager though, I believe everyone’s said it once or twice in their lifetimes. I look at my Grandma and she cherishes every last minute that she spends on this Earth, I can’t help but want to relate. I’ve been stopped in life so many times for my fear of even living. This year I’ll live out one of the best years of my life, but in the right way rather than making memories I’m too embarrassed to tell my children. Instead, memories that every person I meet along the way I can tell one to, or better yet make more with them! I’m at loss for words right now, although it may not look like it for how long this is. February 16, 2011 I will be the big SIXTEEN! Seems so old in my eyes, yet so young in the eyes of others. My last day of driving was the 11th, of February and my teacher Woodie Sexton told me one of the most important things to remember in life, “Never take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted no matter how bad or good things are going for you.” “You can be evergreen with cash,” or down to trying to figure out how to feed your kids, point blank, treat everyone like they’re all children of God, all equal. In life you’ll most certainly come across people that you just want to curse in your mind, but you have to remember you can’t do that because they may be the people that hide the most feelings of anyone. Any one person can look amazingly great on the outside but inside they’re living a lie, only covering it up with their money, success, and everything else that they have. But don’t forget, they deserve every bit of love and respect as you would give your own Father. Never forget that every person that God puts in your life is for a reason, to hurt you or help you, either way, they are there. Last year, I felt like everything I had done for my family, friends, and reputation was all coming to and end as the tunnel was going from pearl white, to the darkest of blacks. Reputation isn’t everything you know, they should really change the definition to, “the thing you try to withhold the most that no matter who gets in your way you will put them down to impress others.” The sun does really shine on those who try their best and change their minds about the out-view of life. Of all the people that come in and out of your life, just remember family is the most important, no matter how badly you feel you’ve been treated, it’s only for your own sake and protection.